Tishman Speyer Gives Up on ST/PCV -- Will Start Knocking Down Buildings Next Week

Finding out that another city code violation fiasco is looming (ST/PCV gas lines not in accordance with city regulations), Jerry and Rob Speyer of Tishman Speyer held an emergency meeting on Sunday in Mayor Bloomberg's weekend hideaway in the Bahamas with the New York City mayor, and came to the decision that it's just not worth it anymore to keep Stuyvesant Town and Peter Cooper Village running, as is, for current tenants.

Bloomberg has called for an emergency session of the CCC (Corrupt City Council) this Friday, and the immediate passage of eminent domain to get rid of tenants is assured. Only Peter Cooper Village resident Councilman Dan Garodnick is expected to vote no. The first demolition of what is now known as Stuyvesant Town/Peter Cooper Village could come as early as next week, paving the way for a brand-new mega housing complex, the likes of which has not been seen anywhere in the world.

As everyone knows when Tishman Speyer purchased Stuyvesant Town/Peter Cooper Village in 2006 for 5.4 billion dollars, it was the land property that was of most value, not the buildings on the property. The far-thinking Tishman Speyer already has plans for the mega complex, to be named Speyer City. "These plans were drawn up with others, such as condo conversion, way back when we were considering buying the property," remarked George Hatzmann, Tishman Speyer's managing director of ST/PCV. "Now, in this emergency, we've taken these plans out of the mothballs, so to speak, and are going to proceed to implement them in a hasty and disorganized, but ultimately beneficial to us, manner."

When finished, Speyer City will have 100 massive glass towers, each shooting 70 stories into the sky. The borders of Speyer City will contain exclusive boutiques, managed by female NY students and paid for by their parents, and a Starbucks and Duane Reade on each corner. Currently, there are over 25,000 residents of ST/PCV. Speyer City is designed to have 150,000 tenants, making it the most populous housing complex in the world--and undoubtedly the most luxurious.

"We really have to advance expeditiously on this," added Hatzmann, "just in case the election gives the state senate a tenant friendly majority next year and the mayor doesn't get re-elected to his illegal third term."

Buildings along the perimeters of Stuyvesant Town and Peter Cooper Village will be the first to be torn down. As for the central area, "We are just going to blow up everything in the middle and get rid of it in one fell swoop," Hatzmann said. Vito's Construction Company, NJ, and Salvatore's Demo, Bay Ridge, will handle the demolishing, and 500 non-documented Mexican workers will do the sweeping.

What about Stuyvesant Town's renowned fountain that has been such focal point of interest and is always featured in ads for prospective market rate renters?

"We will build an even more spectacular fountain with the generous donation of the Tisch family," replies Hatzmann. The Tisches already have a fountain named after them in Washington Square Park and this one will be called Tisch Two, or, affectionately, "TT."

The current Oval area, to be renamed Oval Speyer, will also house spectacular entertainment facilities, including a 5,000 seat IMAX theater (Speyer Theatre) and a mini-circus, Le Cirque Robert, featuring year-round performances by the clown ensemble, Bozo's Billions. Access to Oval Speyer will be on a membership basis ($2,500 initiation fee/$200 per month membership fee).

Mayor Bloomberg commented to Daily News Real Estate brown-nose reporter Jason Sheftell on the forthcoming mega complex and the removal of current tenants.

"This will be a massive evacuation of the tenants," Bloomberg related to Sheftell,"who will be warehoused in the facilities of an abandoned mental asylum, Happy Pilgrim Hospital, in Staten Island until we can find proper housing for them. Current market rate tenants will get preference in Speyer City once it's finished, but of course their rents are expected to more than double, considering the true luxury living that will be put in place here."

What about the rent-stabilized tenants, who currently constitute 65% of the population of ST/PCV? "If they can't afford Manhattan, then they really have no business here," Bloomberg stated. "The city will be building affordable housing somewhere in the far reaches of Brooklyn and Queens, and I'm sure we can accommodate all rent-stabilized tenants there."

Current tenants will be driven over to the Staten Island facility, courtesy Stuyvesant Town's many fast-driving golf carts. Each tenant will be allowed one carry-on baggage per person. The evacuation process, which will run day and night, is expected to take two weeks. Any kids lost along the way are not going to be the city's problem or concern. "Just make sure you hold onto them," the Mayor remarked. "The city can't be responsible for your negligence."

In the event that the evacuation will take longer than two weeks, Stuyvesant Town's four dumpsters will be called in for extra duty, and the remaining residents thrown in and hauled away. In keeping with current policy, dumpster use will occur between 2:30AM and 4:30AM.

And what of the complex's many seniors, for whom such a move can prove particularly traumatic, if not fatal? "Well," opined Mayor Bloomberg, his face souring, according to Sheftell, "you have to die some time, so it may as well be now."

Dogs will not be allowed in the Staten Island facility. ("It's going to be too packed with humans to allow for animals," stated Hatzmann. "And, besides, we're tired of amateur photographers taking pictures of dogs and what dogs do naturally.") So under the city's new "Go Green and Waste Not Policy" dogs will be given over to restaurants in Chinatown where they can be cooked and served as "Lux Peking Duck." In an odd demonstration of Tishman Speyer's by-now legendary bizarre planning, there will be a dog run set up near the former Staten Island mental asylum, despite the absence of dogs.

All is not doom and gloom for ST/PCV residents, however. "Each tenant will get a plant of their choice to take with them to the Staten Island facility, " said Hatzmann. "Treated and watered well, these will be nice momentos for tenants to have of the time they spent with us in Stuyvesant Town and Peter Cooper Village."

When Rob Speyer was asked if he had any parting words to tenants, a beaming Speyer said:

"Yes--so long, suckers!"

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Below: Staten Island's abandoned mental ward, Happy Pilgrim Hospital, will be quickly restored to its former beauty in time for the first arrival of Stuy Town and Peter Cooper tenants. Yes, residents, I know what you are saying to yourselves: "Peace and quiet at last!"