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Monday, December 28, 2009

Criswell Predicts!



- Jerry and Rob Speyer will come up with a surprise deal, with Chinese investment, to hold onto Stuyvesant Town and Peter Cooper Village. The Media will start reporting about "the comeback" of the Speyers in ST/PCV in late 2010.

- In late 2011, Tom Duane will tell the Tenants Association of ST/PCV that he is "very, very sorry, really, really very sorry" that the NY Senate was not able to renew rent protection laws.

- Within five years the first building in Stuyvesant Town/Peter Cooper Village will be knocked down to make way for a 60 floor high-rise. This will be followed by eradication of more old buildings. The remaking of Stuyvesant Town/Peter Cooper will be a ten-year plan, but will take an additional four years to accomplish. By then, most original rent-stabilized tenants will either have moved out because of continual construction noise or have been killed by falling bricks.

- Stuyvesant Town/Peter Cooper will be renamed Speyer City. The most magnificent building in the complex will be called Speyer Tower. Mayor-for-Life Bloomberg will attend the commemoration, with Jerry and Rob Speyer beaming by his side. Bloomberg will state that "this is a great day for New York" and herald Jerry and Rob "as exemplary citizens who make the city work."

- A horrible accident will occur on the walkway around the Oval involving a dog and a cyclist. The cyclist, racing madly to get his delivery of Chinese food on time, will ride into a long retractable leash, at the end of which is a dog. The cyclist will go flying, and the dog's head will go flying, too. Various lawsuits will arise out of this tragedy, but the cyclist, because he is an illegal immigrant, will not face any financial jeopardy. In fact, his medical costs and physical rehabilitation will be paid for by the taxpayers under the new Health Care Bill of 2010. He, in turn, will successfully sue Stuyvesant Town and the dog owner, and retire to a beach front mansion in Cancun, with 12 beautiful Latinas to cater to all his needs.

- Ziggy and Roundly Roger will get into a physical altercation at a Tenant meeting. 99.99% of those present will not know what the fight is about.

- It will be found that Stuyvesant Town's notorious dumpsters do not fit, nor work properly, in the special garage built for them along Ave C, causing their unwelcome return to the Ave C loop. Councilman Dan Garodnick assures tenants living near the dumpsters that the dumpsters will finally be moved by Summer 2010, but they are still around in the summer... in the fall... in the winter....

- Dog owners will finally get their desired dog run. Pieces of chocolate cake will appear mysteriously about the grounds every once in a while.

- An expose of Stuy Town security will reveal that when the blinds are down in the monitor room at the Management Office, no one is present.

- Tishman Speyer will request and receive a MCI for road and pathway repair to replace the faulty paving for which they already received a MCI.

- NYU journalism student Joy Garrido Ernanny will become very smitten with one Stuy Town blogger and plead with him to marry her. Already "taken," the blogger will have to continually ward off the persistent and passionate advances of the distraught Brazilian beauty.

- The missing plaque honoring MetLife's chairman F. H. Ecker and his commitment that "families of moderate means might live in health, comfort and dignity in park-like communities and that a pattern might be set of private enterprise productively devoted to public service" will still not be found. Rumors will persist that it is located in the same place as Jimmy Hoffa's body.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ziggy is Roundly Roger's alter ego , so if you see somnebody hitting themselves at a TA meeting you will know who it is

Stuy Town Reporter said...

Stranger things have happened!

Anonymous said...

Particularly at TA meetings!!!

Anonymous said...

Too many funny things to comment on individually! Fantastic.

I just hope that most of it does not come true. Except, of course for the part about Ziggy and Roundly Roger!

I think some people take some of this stuff too seriously...some of the time.

Happy & healthy new year, all!