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Saturday, December 21, 2013

Dog Yoga Coming to the Oval


Residents have been wondering for a while what will take the place of the amenity space that was formerly Oval Film, and then a Security Office after the devastation of Hurricane Sandy.  We can now report the inside scoop: Oval Pooch will open up in the Spring of 2014.

Oval Pooch will have doggie daycare and offer the best artisanal treats for Stuy Town and Peter Cooper Village dogs. But the primary focus and promotion will be on daily dog yoga classes, where adorable fidos will be able to practice various twisting and stretching poses with their owners.

Cost of membership has not been determined, but reports suggest that this amenity will be the most expensive one yet, going well beyond the rate charged parents at Oval Kids for Apple Seeds staff to amuse and take care of their children. CWCapital figures that there are enough suckers new residents with deep pockets who will want to take advantage of this very exclusive amenity.  "Residents of Stuy Town will be able to stand out from all other residents in the city with the use of this new and exciting amenity," affirmed Thaddeus Bone, head of the Department of Better Ideas at CWCapital, the special servicer that controls STPCV.

CWCapital will promote dog yoga heavily in their advertising, in the hopes of acquiring more dog owners as renters. The city's dog owners typically feel pressure from non-dog owners in the rest of Manhattan whenever they go outside with their pooches. Some STPCV dog owners feel this heat from the residents here, but a new program, "Let My Dog Pee," will begin to be enforced in a couple of months by STPCV's crackerjack safety officers, with tickets handed out to non-dog owners who harass fellow residents with dogs. "We realize that there is a problem with some residents who complain about the shit and piss all over this place," said I.M. Brown, CompassRock's Spokesman on Dog Affairs. "These residents should simply keep their comments to themselves and not bother dog-owners.  Shitting and pissing on the grounds is allowed. We welcome it, as a matter of fact, and see it as a symbol of residents using the park-like grounds as they were meant to be used."


Speaking of dog excrement, dog poop will also be collected in special bins at Oval Pooch to be layered as a compost element in the many planting beds around the complex. "It's a win-win situation, for the dog and dog owner, and the environment and the complex," stated Brown.

"CWCapital has determined to make Stuy Town/Peter Cooper Village the friendliest dog habitat in Manhattan," added Thaddeus Bone. "We realize that we have failed to make this place a welcome environment for humans, so we may as well put a focus on dogs; they are much easier to deal with and don't belong to a dog tenant association and don't have surly, old-fashioned attitudes about Stuy Town and PCV. Anyway, this place has gone to the dogs, so we may has well make the most of it."

33 comments:

Anonymous said...

Are you serious, STR? This rather reminds me of something Lux Living (God bless his heart wherever he is) would have created.

PS. I'm having a problem posting. Hope it goes through.

Anonymous said...

Satire, right?


Stuy Town Reporter said...

Let me check with T. Bone, head of the Department of Better Ideas at CWCapital.

Anonymous said...

I thought Bonehead was that head of CW's department of better idea

Anonymous said...

STR, you devil! I am going to send you my doctor's bill because you had my blood pressure up so high! And I'm only 35 and don't have high BP!

Anonymous said...

SODDAM AND GAMORRAH HAD MORE CHARM THAN STUY TOWN WHO IS GOING TO PICK UP THE BIKRAM BROWN AFTER DOGGIE YOGA? IS LADY MAYA STILL AROUND OR DID SHE WAVE A WHITE FLAG WITH A BROWN SMEAR AND RUN FOR THE HILLS? I HATE THIS PLACE. I HATE THE NEW CARPETING AND THE NEW FECCES STAIN THAT SERVES AS A WELCOME MATT. I HATE THE PITT BULLS THAT ROAM MY HALLWAY LIKE A DOG PARK ID JUMP OUT MY WINDOW AND END IT ALL IF I DIDN'T THINK I BIG BROWN PILE WOULD BREAK MY GODDAMN FALL!

Anonymous said...

Doggie Doo-d Ranch.

Anonymous said...

STR, you are funny! I almost had a heart attack when I read your post! There really are some T.Boneheads at CW and it wouldn't surprise me a bit if they have a Department of Better Ideas at CW Capital. They are totally the bottom of the barrel when it comes to intelligent ideas! In fact, I don't think one can use the word "intelligent" in any of CW Caps plans for STPCV. When it comes to "Better Ideas," the Best Idea would be for them to withdraw and let some entity with intelligence and foresight manage the property. CW Cap is the dregs of the dregs with not an atom of a brain cell between the whole dirty bunch of them.

Anonymous said...

More MCIs coming. Great job all.

Love our NYC DOH.

Anonymous said...


Dog Yoga? Does it matter @ this point?

Anonymous said...

AND WHILE WERE ON THE TOPIC OF WTF XAN SONENE EXPLAIN TO ME WHY THE. LAUNDRY ROOMS ATE TURNING INTO SHANTY TOWNS FOR THE HOMELESS I HAVE THREE LARGE CARTS OF LSUNDRY IN MY LSUNDRY TOOM AND LADT NIGHT I FOUND A COLLEGE KID CAMPED OUT IN THETE SLEEPING ON A BLANKET UNDER WHAT LOOKS LIKE A TENT MADE OF BEED SHEETS AND A SHOWER CURTAIN THIS PLACE IS LAWLESS ITS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE SOMEINE GETS MURDERED DOWN THERE IN ANDREW MACARTHURS SAW ROOM!

Anonymous said...

CAPS, I hope you called Security when you found that guy camped out in the laundry room. Actually, I don't think they qualify as laundry rooms any more because the washing machines are almost always out of order. Only the snacks vending machine works in my laundry. The washers are totally fucked up. Out of ten, there are three that are actually working and they don't look like they'll keep going for much longer.

Anonymous said...

"so we may as well put a focus on dogs; they are much easier to deal with and don't belong to a dog tenant association and don't have surly, old-fashioned attitudes about Stuy Town and PCV."

Dogs, students, just post college transients, same frigging difference. They are all "pack" creatures. And not a pack leader to be found.

Anonymous said...

brilliant spoof, even though I like dogs & think to attack them & college kids is poor debate/label; whereas real issues get lost here.
I have old long term tenants who cause noise disturbances & another who harasses and cannot get mgmt. to address and see no avenue to remediate. This is why I think of leaving because it's so unpleasant dealing with trashy behavior I can no longer tolerate.
Sign of the times? Such seems apt living. But bad neighbor behavior can happen anywhere; just like bullying another contagion going both ways here.
Conversation might be better to address a civil society movement.
I use to love living here; it's so sad to see the evolution.
(like the world)
Some hope messages might be good once in a while.
I agree most maintenance workers have been really good, our porter is great, our mail person is fab. The small things count & get overlooked.
My message for the New Year is how to make something once good & bring it back.
And, stop yakking about dogs & conversions these are not the issues except for people looking for dominance. (domicile, pun)

Anonymous said...

I DID CALL SECIRITY AND THEY SAID THEYD SEND SOMEOME OVER. GUESS WHAT, THEY DIDNT! BIG SUPRISE! THIS MORMING ON MY WAY TO SORK THERE WERE GEORGI VIDKA BOTTLES SCATTERED ACRODD FLOOR IN MY LOBBY. WHAT A DUMP ANDRW MACARTHUR AND CAMPUS CROTCH

dcf said...

The complaints about the dogs are every bit as valid as any. Nobody loves dogs more than I, absolutely nobody, much prefer the canine company to the human kind, but I am glad that my teenage boys grew up in a dog free Stuy Town so they could learn to walk, feces free, explore the trees without contamination, enjoy the sweet smelling greenery as little ones. Those days are gone, as we sidestep all the time now, and I feel for the parents who must remain vigilant, on the lookout all the time for poop and pee.
Definitely, focus on the good stuff, it's what makes life happier, but the quality of life issues here are diverse, real and should not be waved away.

Anonymous said...

"even though I like dogs & think to attack them & college kids is poor debate/label; whereas real issues get lost here."

Yeah.....for sure incessant barking at all hours of the night and raw sewage all over the property and in the flower beds aren't "real" issues at all. What are those people thinking?

Anonymous said...

F---ing, barking dog below me has woken me up in the middle of the night several times the past few nights. DOGS DO NOT BELONG IN APARTMENTS WHERE THEIR BARKING CAN DISTURB OTHER PEOPLE...ESPECIALLY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! PERIOD; END OF STORY.

Anonymous said...

I wish CW would stuff their gimmicks up their asses and focus on the necessities of running an apartment complex. I just went down to do some laundry. Four of the washers are out of order, but there is a brand new fucking snacks and drinks vending machine humming along merrily. I feel like taking a sledge hammer to it.

Anonymous said...

ANOTHER DAY ANOTHER MESS IN THE HALWAY I COME HOME AND FIND IN ADDITION TO THE GROWN SCHMEAR ON THE HALLWAY CARPET A HALF WRAPPED CHRISTMAS TREE LEFT LAYING ON THE FLOOR BLOCKING THE ELEVATORS I KICKED MY WAY THOUGH IT AND NARROWLY AVOIDED THE PITTBULLS WHO WERE OCCUPIED WIRH A BAG IF GARBAGE THEY WERE DEVOURING. THID PLACE IS A HELL HOLE. I HATE ANDREW MCARTHUR AND HIS USELESS STAFF WHO ALLOW THIS PLACE TO DEVOLVE IBTO SONE THIRD WORKD DORMITORY I HOPE HE SHARES THIS FINE WORK WITH HIS FAMILY ON CHRISTNAS WHILE THE REDT OF US SUFFER SO MUCH IN STUY TOWN HIS ABUSE AND INCOMPITANCE

Anonymous said...

If you're having a problem with barking dogs, call Public Safety and complain. Get the name of the officer you talked to. Keep making complaints. If management gets three complaints close together, they will turn the matter over to the legal department (or so I've been told). The catch is making sure that an officer responds to your complaint and that s/he files a report that gets into the system. Donalda Habersham is the tenant relations person, and she's supposed to deal with this. It can be hard (almost impossible) to get hold of her, but keep trying and keep really good records of your complaints. If PS leaves a notice on the offending neighbor's door, try to get a photo of it.

Anonymous said...



Keep a paper trail. Report it all and get name of PS officer here on stuy. You can sue a neighbor for nuisance. JFG it people. It's done all the time in Nyc.

Anonymous said...

Those boys were back at it tonight trying to set the Christmas tree on fire. They had some type of miniature torch and were holding it near the base of the tree when someone screamed at them and ran off. Do we still have an active security force?

Anonymous said...

"Do we still have an active security force?"

Not that you'd notice.

Anonymous said...

Take photos of the 'boys' lighting trees on fire.

call NYPD

duh

Anonymous said...

"If you're having a problem with barking dogs, call Public Safety and complain."

Yes. Of course. But at 2:00am, 3:00am, 4:00am, etc. when the dog barks for 5 minutes - long enough to wake me up - and then is calmed down by his owner, the damage is already done! There would be nothing for Public Safety to hear!

I like dogs, but there's a good reason they weren't allowed here for DECADES.

Anonymous said...

STR, no matter what is going on with the property or on this blog, one thing is very, very important:

STR, HAVE A VERY HAPPY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY, HEALTHY AND PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR AND MAY ALL YOUR LOVED ONES BE SAFE AND WELL AND HAPPY. GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. IF I KNEW WHO YOU ARE AND WHERE YOU LIVE, I WOULD SEND YOU A NICE GIFT. HOPEFULLY, WHEN WE GET RID OF THIS FILTHY SCUM, WE CAN ALL GET TOGETHER AND HAVE A NICE CELEBRATION.

Ps. I am NOT CAPS. I just wrote in Caps because I wanted to emphasize to STR how much I admire and appreciate his work on this blog. One day this war will end ....... and we shall be free to come out of the shadows and embrace each other. Or not, in the case of some posters.

Stuy Town Reporter said...

And a Merry Christmas, Happy Holiday Season to you and yours! Thank you!

Anonymous said...

"Yes. Of course. But at 2:00am, 3:00am, 4:00am, etc. when the dog barks for 5 minutes - long enough to wake me up - and then is calmed down by his owner, the damage is already done! There would be nothing for Public Safety to hear!

I like dogs, but there's a good reason they weren't allowed here for DECADES."

Well this pretty much sums it up. When these idiots first announced they would be allowing dogs they said incessant barking would be handled "like any other noise complaint". Unfortunately, dogs aren't stereos and frequently, as this poster indicated, they make enough noise to wake you up and by the time security arrives to verify they have stopped barking. This is what we have to live with now and I would tend to doubt that it's going to change. Let's not even get into the crap and piss. This used to be a great place to live.

Anonymous said...

Leave it to Stuy a Town to hire chubby yoga instructors.

Anonymous said...



CURIOUS , are there any tenants here who won't be required to pay the MCI increases ?

Anonymous said...


I think all tenants are getting the hit from m c i increases. Criminal really.

Anonymous said...


what about the Roberts checks? anyone get one and are you HAPPY?